Iron Rule #9

Apologizing for a lack of Game isn’t Game.

为缺乏游戏而道歉并不是游戏。

One disservice I think most men tend to overlook is an attitude of self-depreciation that they’ll resort to as a means of engendering interest in a potential woman by attempting to play to her sympathies.

我认为大多数男人往往忽视的一个不利因素是他们倾向于采取自我贬低的态度，以此作为引起潜在女性兴趣的手段，试图通过博取她的同情来吸引她。

Case in point (posted with permission):

举个例子（经允许发布）：

Subject: 主题： My apologies for being a complete douche 为我的完全混蛋行为道歉 Body: 正文：

I actually wanted to call and talk to you tonight, but I just moved into my new place today and lost track of time and now its after midnight. Anyways, I was a complete tool the last time we talked. I thought about what you said to me, and I really have been lame lately. I think back to our first couple of “dates”, and I realize what a complete and boring reject I was. Those weren’t so much dates as me trying way too hard to impress you as someone that was mature (bad word choice, but I dunno what I was doing) and not myself. Anyways, I now realize I need to get this pole out of my ass and start having fun again in my life. Which is why I have been in a drunken stupor for the last 2 weekends. 我今晚其实想打电话和你聊聊，但我今天刚搬进新家，忘记了时间，现在已经过了午夜。总之，上次我们谈话时我完全是个工具。我想了想你对我说的话，我最近确实很无聊。我回想起我们最初的几次“约会”，我意识到自己是一个多么无趣的失败者。那些与其说是约会，不如说是我太努力地想让你觉得我成熟（用词不当，但我不知道自己在做什么）而不是我自己。总之，我现在意识到我需要把这根杆子从我的屁股里拿出来，重新开始享受生活。这就是为什么我过去两个周末都喝得烂醉如泥。

I hope we can start hanging out again, because I do enjoy your company. But I promise if we do, I will drink, relax, and not be such a wallflower. I also promise no more gay-ass text messages. I hate when people do that to me, so I can only imagine how retarded i look when I do it.

我希望我们能再次开始一起出去玩，因为我确实喜欢你的陪伴。但我保证，如果我们这样做，我会喝酒、放松，不再那么害羞。我也保证不会再发那些娘娘腔的短信。我讨厌别人这样对我，所以我只能想象当我这样做时，我看起来有多傻。

-allen -艾伦

This was an actual email passed on to me from a young woman I counsel after she blew this guy off over the course of three dates, and is one of many emails and IM texts I’ve gone over time and again with with women. This is a textbook example of how men will resort to self-depreciation tactics in order to provoke an “It’s OK, I understand” sympathy response from a woman with the expectation that she’ll take ‘pity’ on him for being a “flawed man” and give him a second (or third, or fourth) chance.

这是一封实际的电子邮件，由我辅导的一位年轻女士转发给我，她在三次约会后甩了这个家伙，这是我多次与女性讨论的众多电子邮件和即时消息之一。这是一个教科书式的例子，说明男人会采取自我贬低策略，以引发女性的“没关系，我理解”的同情回应，期望她会因为他是“有缺陷的男人”而对他产生怜悯，并给他第二次（或第三次，或第四次）机会。

This is a direct manifestation of men being socially conditioned to recognize and acknowledge their weeknesses, and in confessing them they will become strentghs, and ergo, attractions (since they mistakenly believe that doing so will make them “not-like-OTHER-guys” and therefore unique). “You see? I’m really a sensitive, introspective guy willing to cop to his own character flaws, please love me.”

这是男性在社会中被教导要识别和承认自己的弱点，并在承认它们时，他们会变得强大，因此具有吸引力（因为他们错误地认为这样做会使他们“不像其他男人”，因此变得独特）。“你看？我真的是一个敏感、内省的人，愿意承认自己的性格缺陷，请爱我。”

Iron Rule of Tomassi #9 托马西的铁律 #9

Never Self-Deprecate under any circumstance. This is a Kiss of Death that you self-initiate and is the antithesis of the Prize Mentality. Once you’ve accepted yourself and presented yourself as a “complete douche” there’s no going back to confidence with a woman. Never appeal to a woman’s sympathies. Her sympathies are given by her own volition, never when they are begged for – women despise the obligation of sympathy. Nothing kills arousal like pity. Even if you don’t seriously consider yourself pathetic, it never serves your best interest to paint yourself as pathetic. Self-Depreciation is a misguided tool for the AFC, and not something that would even occur to an Alpha.

在任何情况下都不要自我贬低。这是你自我启动的死亡之吻，是奖品心态的对立面。一旦你接受了自己并把自己呈现为一个“完整的混蛋”，你就无法再以自信的态度回到女人面前。永远不要试图引起女人的同情。她的同情是出于她自己的意愿，而不是乞求来的——女人讨厌被迫同情。没有什么比怜悯更能扼杀欲望了。即使你不认为自己可怜，把自己描绘成可怜的样子也永远不会对你最有利。自我贬低是 AFC（平均挫败男）的错误工具，而不是 Alpha 男会考虑的事情。

People seem to get confused about how self-deprecation really functions. I’m not suggesting that a Man take himself so seriously that he can’t laugh at himself; in fact a brilliant tactic is to present a prevailing, ambient sense of seriousness, then admit to and laugh at whatever goof it was that removes you from it. Nothing endears a man more to a woman than to think only she can break through your shell and get you to find humor in yourself. However, true self-deprecation is self-initiated. It’s not the “ha ha look I slipped on a banana peel” sense of deprecation, it’s the “I’m a complete douche, but really worth the effort” apologetic sense of deprecation. There is a marked difference between being pathetic and being able to laugh at yourself in good faith.

人们似乎对自我贬低真正的作用感到困惑。我并不是说一个男人应该如此严肃，以至于不能自嘲；事实上，一个高明的策略是展现一种普遍的、严肃的氛围，然后承认并嘲笑那个让你脱离这种氛围的愚蠢行为。没有什么比让一个女人觉得只有她能打破你的外壳，让你发现自己幽默感更能赢得她的心了。然而，真正的自我贬低是自我发起的。它不是那种“哈哈，看我踩到香蕉皮滑倒了”的贬低感，而是那种“我是个十足的混蛋，但真的值得你付出努力”的道歉式贬低感。在真诚地自嘲与显得可怜之间有着明显的区别。

I’m not advocating that guys never own up to mistakes or wrongs they do; you should apologize in given situations depending on the conditions and do so appropriately, however Self-Depreciation is another mental schema entirely. Humility is a virtue (up to a point), but it’s simply not a virtue that a woman you’re interested in will ever appreciate in the manner you intend, and in fact often conveys the opposite intent. Virtuous humility is no substitute for self-confidence. If you are already involved with a woman, she may develop a socially mandated sense of appreciation, but again this is only up to the threshold of you trading her estimation of your confidence for your ability to address fault on your part. When a woman delivers a shit test based on this, and a guy submits through self-depreciation it’s damage done that’s not easily undone. Admitting fault is not a strength that inspires women, it’s still about the fault. It may be the honorable, necessary, truthful thing to do, but don’t believe for a moment women will value you more in the confession of fault.

我并非主张男性永远不承认错误或过失；在特定情况下，你应该根据条件适时道歉，并恰当地表达歉意。然而，自我贬低则是完全不同的另一种心理模式。谦逊是一种美德（在一定限度内），但它绝非你心仪的女性会以你期望的方式欣赏的品质，事实上，它往往传达出相反的意图。美德式的谦逊无法替代自信。如果你已与某位女性交往，她可能会出于社会规范而产生一种赞赏感，但这也仅限于你用她的自信评价换取你自我纠错能力的临界点。当女性以此为基础进行试探时，男性若通过自我贬低来回应，这种伤害往往难以轻易修复。承认错误并非能激发女性敬仰的力量，它仍关乎错误本身。尽管承认错误可能是光荣、必要且真实的，但不要误以为女性会因你的坦白而更加珍视你。

That said, true self-depreciation is pervasive. Contemporary men have become so steeped in deprecation and male ridicule by popular media that it seems a normative way of attracting women. The message is ‘women love men who laugh at Men’. Thus, you have to be hyper-aware of it and unlearn it. You have to catch yourself in mid-sentence so to speak. Women operate in the sub-communications and when you overtly admit to a lack of confidence in yourself or your gender you may as well just LJBF yourself. That’s a strong impression you wont recover from easily if ever. Women want a competent, confident, decisive Man from the outset, not one who’s self-image is that of a “complete douche” or even a partial douche. The stereotype of the quirky, but lovable guy who bumbles his way into a woman’s heart may work for romantic comedies, but not in the real world. I should also add that when you become hyper-aware of this you can also turn it to your own advantage when AMOGing a competitor or you’re sarging a girl with a self-depreciative boyfriend or suitor. It’s all too easy to reinforce her estimation of a guy like this by covertly confirming it for her, while at the same time playing up your own confidence and value.

即便如此，真正的自我贬低却无处不在。当代男性深受流行媒体中贬低与嘲讽男性的影响，以至于这种行为似乎已成为吸引女性的常规方式。信息传递的是“女性喜欢嘲笑男性的男人”。因此，你必须高度警惕并摒弃这种观念。可以说，你必须在言谈中及时察觉并制止自己。女性在潜移默化中感知信息，当你公开承认对自己或性别缺乏信心时，无异于直接宣告“Let's Just Be Friends”。这种强烈的印象一旦形成，你将难以轻易恢复。女性从一开始就期望遇到一个能干、自信、果断的男人，而非一个自我形象定位为“彻头彻尾的混蛋”或哪怕只是部分混蛋的人。那种古怪但讨人喜欢的家伙，在浪漫喜剧中或许能跌跌撞撞赢得芳心，但在现实世界中却行不通。此外，当你对这一点高度警觉时，在面对竞争对手或与自我贬低的男友或追求者竞争时，你也能将其转化为自身的优势。 通过暗中确认她的这种看法，同时提升自己的自信和价值，很容易强化她对这类男生的评价。

All of this is not to say that it’s wrong to recognize your own weaknesses and understanding when you’re in the wrong. It’s simply how you go about addressing it that’s the point. There are plenty of ways to assume the responsibilties of fault that aren’t self-depreciating. The easiest way is to always adopt the attitude that you’re ‘getting better all the time’. This mentality fosters confidence and projects ambition, whereas self-depreciation shoves your nose in the dog shit and says “please love me anyway?”

这一切并非意味着承认自身弱点和错误是错误的。关键在于你如何处理这些问题。有许多承担责任的方式并非自我贬低。最简单的方法是始终保持“不断进步”的态度。这种心态培养自信，展现雄心，而自我贬低则像是把你的鼻子按在狗屎里，然后问：“请无论如何爱我好吗？