Wait for it?

Iron Rule of Tomassi #3 托马西的铁律 #3

Any woman who makes you wait for sex, or by her actions implies she is making you wait for sex; the sex is NEVER worth the wait.

任何让你等待性行为的女人，或者通过她的行为暗示她在让你等待性行为；这种等待永远不值得。

When a woman makes you wait for sex you are not her highest priority. Sexuality is spontaneous chemical reaction between two parties, not a process of negotiation. It’s sex first, then relationship, not the other way around. A woman who wants to fuck you will find a way to fuck you. She will fly across the country, crawl under barbwire, climb in through your second story bedroom window, fuck the shit out of you and wait patiently inside your closet if your wife comes home early from work – women who want to fuck will find a way to fuck. The girl who tells you she needs to be comfortable and wants a relationship first is the same girl who fucked the hot guy in the foam cannon party in Cancun on spring break just half an hour after meeting him.

当一个女人让你等待性行为时，你不是她的最高优先级。性是双方之间的自发化学反应，而不是谈判过程。首先是性，然后是关系，而不是反过来。一个想和你上床的女人会找到办法和你上床。她会飞越整个国家，爬过铁丝网，从你二楼的卧室窗户爬进来，狠狠地和你做爱，如果你的妻子提前下班回家，她会耐心地躲在你的衣橱里——想要和你上床的女人会找到办法。那个告诉你她需要感到舒适并想要先建立关系的女人，就是那个在春假时在坎昆的泡沫派对上，刚认识半小时就和一个帅哥上床的女人。

If a girl is that into you she’ll have sex with you regardless of ASD or having her friends in the room videotaping it at a frat party. All women can be sluts, you just have to be the right guy to bring it out in them, and this happens before you go back to her place. If you have to plead your case cuddling and spooning on the bed or getting the occasional peck on the cheek at the end of the night, you need to go back to square one and start fresh.

如果一个女孩对你如此着迷，她会在任何情况下与你发生关系，无论是在兄弟会的派对上，她的朋友们在房间里录像，还是其他任何情况。所有女性都有可能成为荡妇，你只需要成为那个能激发她们这一面的男人，而且这通常发生在你们回到她家之前。如果你不得不在床上依偎、拥抱，或者在夜晚结束时偶尔得到一个轻吻脸颊，那么你需要回到起点，重新开始。

I’m probably going to ruffle a few PUA feathers here, but I’ve never been a proponent of breaking down LMR (last minute resistance) with a woman. Maybe it’s a result of experiences in my rock star 20’s, but at some point I came to the conclusion that sex with a woman who’s turned on by me is always a far better than one where I had to sell her on the idea of sex with me before the act. Now don’t take this to the binary extreme and assume I mean the only good sex you’ll ever have is a first night lay (FNL) with some tart who can’t keep her legs closed. What I mean is that if you’re still trying to figure out what the magic words are to convince some girl that she ought fuck you after 3 dates – or longer – you’re in desire negotiation hearings counselor. You are wasting your time and limiting your opportunity with better prospective women in waiting out a woman who would defer less than 100% of her real desire to have sex with you. The sex will NEVER be worth the wait. A prostitute would be a better alternative.

我可能会在这里触动一些 PUA 的敏感神经，但我从来不是那种主张通过打破女性最后一刻的抵抗（LMR）来达成目的的人。或许这与我在摇滚明星般的二十多岁时的经历有关，但最终我得出了一个结论：与那些被我吸引而主动投入的女性发生关系，总是比那些我不得不在行动前说服她与我发生关系的体验要好得多。现在，请不要将此理解为极端的二元论，认为我所说的唯一美好的性体验就是与那些无法自控的轻浮女子在第一晚的放纵。我的意思是，如果你还在试图找出那些神奇的话语，以说服某个女孩在三次约会后——甚至更久——与你上床，那么你就是在进行欲望谈判的听证会，律师先生。你在浪费时间，同时限制了自己与更优秀、更有潜力的女性接触的机会，而那些女性可能更愿意在性方面满足你，而不是拖延或保留她百分之百的真实欲望。这样的等待永远不值得。相比之下，找一个妓女或许是更好的选择。

Genuine desire cannot be negotiated. Once you get past a certain point in the waiting game, what once had the chance to be an organic, sexual desire becomes mitigated negotiation of a physical act. Just the fact that you’re having to make a case for yourself (even covertly) is evidence that there are other factors inhibiting her capacity to be sexual with you. As I stated, barring a physical inability, this is almost always because of an unmentioned agenda on her part. It may be due to a concurrent boyfriend, it may be a natural internal caution, it may be that your process is telegraphing ‘beta’ to her, or it may be that she’s filibustering you while waiting to see if another, more preferable guy pans out for her, however, none of these are insurmountable if she has a genuine desire to bang you. Many a cheated on boyfriend knows this is true. In any circumstance, sex with you is not an urgency for her. If she’s perceiving your value as as high as it should be, she wont hesitate longer than a few dates to become sexual – and she certainly wont tell you she’s making you wait. Hypergamy doesn’t afford a woman much waiting time with a Man she sees as superior stock.

真正的欲望无法被谈判。一旦你在等待游戏中越过某个临界点，原本有机会成为自然而然、充满性欲的渴望，就会变成对肉体行为的妥协谈判。仅仅是你不得不为自己辩护（即使是隐晦地）这一事实，就足以证明有其他因素在阻碍她与你发生性关系的能力。正如我所言，除非存在生理障碍，这几乎总是因为她心中隐藏着未言明的议程。可能是因为她有现任男友，可能是她天生的内在谨慎，可能是你的行为让她觉得你不够自信，或者她可能在拖延你，同时观望是否有更合她意的男人出现。然而，如果她真心想和你发生关系，这些都不是不可逾越的障碍。许多被劈腿的男友都明白这一点。在任何情况下，与你发生关系对她来说都不是紧迫之事。如果她认为你的价值如你所应得的那样高，她不会在几次约会后还犹豫不决——她当然也不会告诉你她在让你等待。在择偶策略中，女性对视为优质男性的等待时间并不多。

One of the more frustrating situations I often encounter comes from guys who’ve been OVERTLY told that they’re being made to wait for sex until some circumstance or criteria is met for the woman. The standard filibuster (or loss-leader as the case may be) usually comes with the reasoning that she “needs to feel comfortable” before she has sex with a guy. Even more distressing is the guy who was getting laid, only to be told the same thing by an existing girlfriend. If you find yourself in either of these situation there are a couple of things to bear in mind.

我经常遇到的一种令人沮丧的情况，是那些被明确告知需要等待某种条件或标准达成后才能与女性发生关系的男性。通常，这种拖延战术（或称为“诱饵”）的理由是她“需要感到舒适”才能与男性发生关系。更令人沮丧的是，有些男性原本已有性关系，却被现任女友告知同样的事情。如果你发现自己处于这两种情况之一，有几点需要牢记。

First and foremost, sex, by it’s nature is uncomfortable. Sex that is motivated by mutual, genuine desire is a tense affair, fueled by testosterone, anxiety and urgency. When two people get together for a first dance ( a precursor to copulation), it’s rarely if ever an intimate slow dance. It’s salsa, it’s grinding, it’s pumping, it’s heat and it’s sweat. What it’s not is comforting and familiar. It’s not a nice warm bathrobe fresh out of the dryer. Don’t take this the wrong way, but sex is threatening. It needs to be, and you need to be considered a sexualized player in her personal sphere. Overtly agreeing to wait for her to become sexual is anti-seductive. It confirms for her that you aren’t a sexualized player to her; an Alpha wouldn’t wait for sex and she knows this. Worse still, it devalues her SMV as being worth less than of your utmost urgency.

首先，从本质上讲，性是不舒适的。基于双方真挚欲望的性行为充满紧张，受睾酮、焦虑和紧迫感的驱使。当两个人初次相聚（这是交配的前奏），几乎从未有过亲密的慢舞。它是萨尔萨舞，是摩擦，是激情，是热汗淋漓。它不是舒适和熟悉的，不是刚从烘干机里拿出的温暖浴袍。别误会，性是具有威胁性的。它必须如此，你需要被视为她个人领域中的性角色。公开同意等待她变得性活跃是反诱惑的。这向她确认你不是她的性角色；一个阿尔法男性不会等待性，她知道这一点。更糟的是，这贬低了她的性市场价值，认为她不值得你最迫切的欲望。

Secondly, always remember why women resort to OVERT communications (the language of men) – so there is no, or less, margin that her message will be misunderstood. If a woman, point blank says, “I’m not having sex with you until X,Y, and Z happens”, what is her MEDIUM telling you? That there is a precondition that’s more important to her than fucking you with genuine, uncontrollable passion. You want her to be so into you that she’s willing to break the rules. The ideal situation is for her genuine passion to be so uncontrollable for you that she’d renounce her religion and throw her convictions to the wind to be with you. That might seem a bit dramatic, but you get the idea. The good news now is that she’s being overt, which means she’s exhausted her reserves to be covert and, assuming you’re not so desperate as to delude yourself, you can NEXT her and move on.

其次，始终记住女性为何采用显性沟通（男性的语言）——这样她的信息被误解的余地就会更小。如果一个女人直截了当地说：“在 X、Y 和 Z 发生之前，我不会和你发生关系”，她的媒介在告诉你什么？那就是有一个对她来说比与你发生真挚、无法控制的激情更重要的前提条件。你希望她对你如此着迷，以至于愿意打破规则。理想的情况是，她对你的真挚激情如此无法控制，以至于她会放弃宗教信仰，抛开信念，只为与你在一起。这可能听起来有些戏剧化，但你明白其中的意思。好消息是，她现在采用了显性沟通，这意味着她已经耗尽了隐性沟通的储备，而且，假设你不是那么绝望以至于自欺欺人，你可以选择离开她，继续前行。

Rapport ≠ Comfort 关系 ≠ 舒适

A lot of “waiters” find all that a tough road to hoe. They want to stick it out and see if things “might develop”, and NEXTing their ‘waiting girl’ seems a lot like throwing the baby out with the bath water after all the time they’ve invested in building what they think is rapport. Usually this is due to the guy not spinning (enough) other plates that would bear more fruit. However, keep this in mind; waiting for sex isn’t building rapport. There’s a lot of confusion about rapport, most of which is due to well meaning PUAs conflating rapport with comfort. It’s a pretty esoteric term, but rapport is a connection; it’s an implied trust between two acting agents who previously had never met or only have limited knowledge of each other. You can have rapport with an animal – that’s the connection, it’s instinctual.

很多“服务员”觉得这是一条艰难的道路。他们想坚持下去，看看事情“是否会有进展”，而 NEXTing 他们的“等待女孩”似乎就像在投入了这么多时间建立他们认为的关系后，把婴儿和洗澡水一起倒掉。通常这是因为这个家伙没有旋转（足够多的）其他盘子，这些盘子会带来更多的成果。然而，请记住这一点；等待性行为并不是在建立关系。关于关系的误解很多，其中大部分是由于好心的 PUA 将关系与舒适混为一谈。这是一个相当深奥的术语，但关系是一种连接；它是两个之前从未见过面或只有有限了解的行动者之间的隐含信任。你可以与动物建立关系——那就是连接，它是本能的。

Comfort comes from familiarity and predictability; all decidedly anti-seductive influences. And while comfort has it’s own merits in interpersonal relationships, it is not the basis for genuine, passionate sexual desire. For people (myself included) involved in a marriage or LTR, it’s serves our long-term best interest to convince ourselves that sex is better when your comfortable with your partner, however, the reality of it sings a different tune. Here’s an easy illustration: As reported by both men and women alike, which of these circumstances provokes the most intense, memorable sexual experiences ? When a couple plans and arranges a romantic “date night” to ‘keep it fresh’ and reconnect? Or is it the ‘make-up sex’ after a horrible breakup, or narrowly averted breakup, where long dormant competition anxiety is brought back into being a very real possibility again? If you said the breakup, you’re correct! One scenario is comfortable, the other uncomfortable. One has the element of predictable certainty, the other is chaotic and uncertain, however in both situations there is definitely a working mutually connective rapport operating.

舒适源于熟悉与可预测性，这些都是明显的反诱惑因素。尽管舒适在人际关系中有其自身的优点，但它并非真正激情性欲的基础。对于身处婚姻或长期关系中的人们（包括我自己），为了长远利益，我们往往会说服自己，与伴侣的舒适感会让性爱更美好，然而现实却唱着不同的调子。这里有一个简单的例子：据男女双方报告，哪种情境最能激起最强烈、最难忘的性体验？是情侣精心策划、安排的浪漫“约会之夜”以保持新鲜感并重燃激情？还是分手后或险些分手后的“和解性爱”，此时长期潜伏的竞争焦虑再次成为一种非常真实的可能性？如果你选择分手，那就对了！一种情境是舒适的，另一种则是不舒适的。一种情境具有可预测的确定性，另一种则是混乱与不确定的，但在两种情境中，无疑都存在着一种有效的相互连接的默契。