Rewriting the Rules 重塑规则

Women would rather share a successful Man than be attached to a faithful loser – Pook

女人宁愿分享一个成功的男人，也不愿依附于一个忠诚的失败者——Pook

One of the most common things I’m asked on SS is “how do you keep a marriage fresh Rollo?” Among my responses to this is usually how, contrary to the advice column Oprah-standard answer, a good relationship should be effortless. All of this “marriage is a constant work” is bullshit meant to keep a husband in a constant state of qualifying for his wife’s intimacy intended for her long term frame retention. Women in marriage and LTRs want to push past that nagging competition anxiety, they want security, not just financial, but emotional, and the security that comes from a locked in commitment in knowing they are the only source of sex & intimacy for their spouse/partner.

在 SS 上，最常被问到的问题之一是：“Rollo，你是如何保持婚姻的新鲜感的？”我的回答通常是，与奥普拉式的建议专栏答案相反，一段良好的关系应该是毫不费力的。所有这些“婚姻需要不断努力”的说法都是胡扯，目的是让丈夫始终处于为妻子的亲密关系而努力的状态，以保持她长期的框架保留。已婚和长期关系中的女性想要摆脱那种持续的竞争焦虑，她们想要安全感，不仅是经济上的，还有情感上的，以及从锁定承诺中获得的安全感，即她们是配偶/伴侣唯一的性爱与亲密来源。

Pre-Commitment to Commitment 从预承诺到承诺

One of the reasons sexual frequency declines for women after a romantic commitment is that the urgency of sex that was necessary prior to the commitment is replaced with the agency of sex being a reward / reinforcer within that LTR. In single, uncommitted, non-exclusive life, sex, while being very enjoyable, becomes a proving ground for most women. In essence, it’s the free samples before the buy, and its urgency is fueled not only by (hopefully) genuine attraction, but also the at least subconscious knowing that she is in a sexual marketplace of competition. It’s one of the few times in life when a woman must qualify for a man’s approval. And admittedly, most men are so sex-deprived or so inexperienced early on in life that the sell is usually not a tough one for her. However, on some level of consciousness, even when the sell is virtually assured, she is aware that she could be replaced by a better competitor.

浪漫承诺后女性性频率下降的原因之一是，承诺前必要的性紧迫感被长期关系中性作为奖励/强化物的自主性所取代。在单身、未承诺、非独占的生活中，尽管性非常愉悦，但对大多数女性而言，它成为了一个证明的场所。本质上，这是购买前的免费样品，其紧迫性不仅由（希望是）真正的吸引力驱动，还至少潜意识地知道她处于一个充满竞争的性市场中。这是女性一生中必须争取男性认可的少数时刻之一。诚然，大多数男性在生命早期如此性匮乏或缺乏经验，以至于她的推销通常并不困难。然而，在某种意识层面，即使推销几乎确定成功，她仍意识到自己可能被更优秀的竞争者取代。

This then is the contrast for committed sexual interaction. The dynamic now shifts from qualification sex to utility sex. Now before anyone jumps to conclusions, yes, sex is still enjoyable, it can still be passionate, and she can definitely want it, but the impetus shifts. Sex is now a tool. In her uncommitted sex life it was a tool for qualification; in her LTR life it’s a tool for compliance. This is pretty obvious, and it may be more or less extreme depending upon the woman’s disposition or how important a particular issue is to her, but make no mistake, there isn’t a woman on the planet who doesn’t take her sexual agency into account when dealing with her LTR / husband. That agency may be more or less valuable – dependent upon her looks, demeanor, sexual availability, etc. – in comparison to the sexual market value of the man she’s paired with.

这就是承诺性行为的对比。动态从资格性行为转变为实用性行为。在任何人急于下结论之前，是的，性行为仍然令人愉悦，仍然可以充满激情，她当然也可能渴望它，但动力发生了转变。性行为现在是一种工具。在她未承诺的性生活中，它是资格的工具；在她长期关系的生活中，它是服从的工具。这一点相当明显，而且根据女性的性格或某个特定问题对她的重要性，这种转变或多或少会显得极端，但请不要怀疑，地球上没有一个女人在处理她的长期关系/丈夫时不会考虑她的性自主权。这种自主权或多或少有价值——取决于她的外貌、举止、性可得性等——与她所配对的男性的性市场价值相比。

And this is where the Cardinal Rule of Relationships plays in. This is the constant interplay of vying for who is more dependent upon the other. Women have for the past 50+ years made a concerted effort, and using social conventions, to establish their sexuality as the end-all for men in power. Vagina = Authority and this is what all too many men parrot back and self-reinforce. “Change, do it, sublimate your desires, or there wont be any nookie for you tonight mister!” And on the surface it seems intuitive to ‘keep the peace’ and finish all the things on her honey-do list in the hopes that she’ll recover even a fraction of the desire she had when you were single, childless and getting blow jobs in the car after a date because she couldn’t wait to get home to fuck you.

这就是关系中的基本法则发挥作用的地方。这是双方不断争夺谁更依赖对方的过程。过去 50 多年来，女性通过社会规范，共同努力，将她们的性吸引力确立为权力男性不可或缺的要素。阴道即权威，这是太多男性不假思索地重复并自我强化的观念。“改变，照做，压抑你的欲望，否则今晚先生你就别想有鱼水之欢了！”表面上看，为了“维持和平”，完成她所有的待办事项，期望她能恢复哪怕一丝你们单身、无孩、约会后在车里就能得到口交时她对你的渴望，似乎是合乎直觉的。

The Upper Hand 上风

Well LTR gentlemen, I’m here to tell you that, yes, you do in fact have an intrinsic upper hand in this regard if you’re fearless and willing to exercise your power. What I described in the last paragraph seems to be the most intuitive – do what she says = get sex – so it should come as no shock that the answer to it is counterintuitive. You must find ways to, subtly, return back to the state of competition anxiety she had in the beginning. I emphasize subtly, because, as with most everything else female, doing so overtly will be met with hostility, resentment and at best, obligated compliance. To get more (any?) sex, to retain the frame, to inspire more respect in her, you must disengage from her. That doesn’t mean becoming arrogantly aloof, or sulking like a child, or becoming an instant asshole; those are OVERT signs and methods. What is needed is incremental reassertion of yourself as the primary AND that her sexual agency, while still welcomed, is not a motivator for your own decisions.

好吧，各位左先生们，我来告诉你们，是的，如果你无所畏惧并愿意行使你的权力，你在这方面确实拥有内在的优势。我在上一段中描述的情况似乎是最直观的——按她说的做=得到性——所以对此的答案是反直觉的，这应该不会让人感到惊讶。你必须找到方法，巧妙地，让她重新回到最初那种竞争焦虑的状态。我强调巧妙，因为，就像大多数其他女性相关的事情一样，如果公然这样做，将会遭到敌意、怨恨，最多也只能得到勉强的服从。为了获得更多（甚至任何）性，保持框架，激发她更多的尊重，你必须与她保持距离。这并不意味着变得傲慢冷漠，或像孩子一样闹情绪，或瞬间变成一个混蛋；这些都是明显的迹象和方法。需要的是逐步重新确立你作为主导者的地位，并且她的性自主权，虽然仍然受到欢迎，但不应成为你自身决策的动机。

I’m fond of saying no vagina is worth years of regret, yet this is exactly where most men find themselves, because they are either unwilling or unable to rock the vagina boat. They fail to understand that a woman’s imagination is the most powerful tool in the Don Juan toolbox. Now, the deductive and obvious way of stimulating that imagination would be to blurt out and say “look bitch, your pussy’s not made of gold and there are plenty of other girls ready to polish my nob if you don’t straighten up, see?” And this of course is met with either resistance or shame from her. What serves a Man better is to make incremental changes in himself that she will perceive as attractive to other women. Women want to be with Men who other women want to fuck, and other men want to be, but this cuts both ways. The more empowered he becomes, the better physical shape he attains, the more professional achievements he gathers, the more social proof and status he accrues, the more valuable he makes himself, the more anxiety is produce – and this is anxiety she can’t argue with.

我喜欢说，没有哪个阴道值得多年的悔恨，但大多数男人恰恰陷入了这种境地，因为他们要么不愿意，要么无法撼动那艘“阴道之舟”。他们未能理解，女人的想象力是唐璜工具箱中最强大的工具。现在，激发这种想象力的直接而明显的方式，就是脱口而出：“听着，贱人，你的下面不是金子做的，还有很多其他女孩愿意为我服务，如果你不端正态度，明白吗？”当然，这往往会遭到她的反抗或羞辱。对一个男人更有益的是，在他自己身上做出渐进式的改变，让她觉得这些改变对其他女人也具有吸引力。女人希望与那些其他女人想与之发生关系、其他男人想成为的男人在一起，但这同样适用于双方。他越有力量，身体状态越好，职业成就越多，社会认可和地位越高，他为自己创造的价值就越大，由此产生的焦虑——这种焦虑是她无法反驳的。

One of the first things I tell men trapped in a ‘her-frame’ relationship is to get to the gym, train hard, look better. This has two effects; first it makes her interest in fucking increase, and second it fires up that imagination. “Why is he doing this? He’s really looking better these days, I see it, other women must see it too. Maybe I need to start working out? Gosh those girls at the gym look so much better than me.” She can’t argue with a healthy desire to look better, feel better, and be concerned with your health. Getting in better shape is the easiest, most immediate change you can effect. You may have little influence in getting a promotion at work, but you CAN change your body habitus right now. Women, being the calculating gender, know all too well to hit the gym months prior to a break up – she’s not getting in shape for you, she’s getting ready to hit the ground running with the next guy she’ll be fucking. They know this, so your manifesting the same behavior ‘caffeinates the hamster’ since it hits home for them.

我告诉那些陷入“她主导”关系中的男人首先要做的第一件事就是去健身房，努力锻炼，让自己看起来更好。这会产生两个效果：首先，这会让她对你的性趣增加；其次，这会激发她的想象力。“他为什么要这么做？他最近真的看起来更好了，我看得出来，其他女人肯定也注意到了。也许我也该开始锻炼了？天哪，那些在健身房的女人们看起来比我好多了。”她无法反驳对变得更美、感觉更好以及关注健康的渴望。改善体型是最简单、最直接的变化。你可能在工作晋升上影响力有限，但你可以立即改变你的体态。女性作为精于计算的性别，深知在分手前几个月去健身房锻炼的重要性——她不是为了你而健身，而是为了在下一段关系中与下一个男人上床时做好准备。她们明白这一点，所以你表现出同样的行为会“刺激她的思考”，因为这对她们来说触动很深。

Vagina is not authority 阴道不是权威

Don’t accept that her sexuality is the authority of the relationship. The better you make yourself the more authority you command, the more you abdicate to her the less authority (and respect) you command. Women need to be told “NO”, in fact they want you to tell them “NO”, especially in light of the 800 pound gorilla in the room – her sexual agency. When a woman controls the LTR frame with her vagina, it’s always going to color your dealings with her. THIS IS NO WAY TO GO THROUGH LIFE. It becomes this ever-present, unspoken understanding that she can ultimately play the pussy card and you’ll comply. And while this may gratify her in the short term, you will lose her respect in the long term. She wants to be told “NO” in spite of you knowing she’s going to hold out on you. This is the ultimate repudiation of her sexual agency – “if he says “NO” with the foreknowledge that you know you wont be getting any, her sexual powers are devalued.” If her sexual agency is called into question it leaves room for doubt and opens the door once again for competition anxiety to creep back in.

不要接受她的性取向成为关系中的权威。你越是提升自己，就越能掌握更多的权威；你越是向她让步，就越会失去权威（和尊重）。女性需要被说“不”，事实上她们希望你告诉她们“不”，尤其是在房间里那只 800 磅的大猩猩——她的性自主权面前。当一个女人用她的阴道控制长期关系框架时，这总会影响你与她的交往。这不是一种长久的生活方式。这会形成一种持续存在、心照不宣的共识：她最终可以打出“性牌”，而你会顺从。尽管这可能在短期内让她满足，但从长远来看，你会失去她的尊重。她希望被说“不”，尽管你知道她会因此对你有所保留。这是对她性自主权的终极否定——“如果他明知你不会得到任何回报，却依然说‘不’，她的性力量就被贬低了。”如果她的性自主权受到质疑，就会留下疑虑的空间，再次为竞争焦虑的侵入敞开大门。

As I’ve said before, marriage is no insulation against the sexual marketplace, and no one knows this better than women who can rely on a society that rewards them for recognizing it. Use that to YOUR benefit now. Nothing is as simultaneously fear inspiring and arousing for women as a Man she suspects is self-aware of his own value. This is precisely why a feminized culture must continually confuse him, continually inspire doubt and humiliate him; feminization can’t afford men knowing their true value and potential.

正如我之前所说，婚姻并不能使你免受性市场的影响，对此没有人比那些能依靠社会奖励她们认清这一点的女性更清楚。现在，利用这一点为你自己谋利。对女性而言，没有什么比一个她怀疑对自己价值有自知之明的男人更令人既畏惧又兴奋的了。这正是为什么一个女性化的文化必须不断混淆他，不断引发怀疑并羞辱他；女性化无法承受男性了解他们真正的价值和潜力。

In the end, who cares if you don’t get laid for a week? It’s well worth the price for increasing her respect for you as a commodity, and increasingly, an authority. If you want to maintain that anxiety, you must perpetuate yourself as being a commodity women will compete for, even in the confines of commitment.

最终，谁在乎你一周没有性生活？为了提升她对你的尊重，将其视为一种商品，并逐渐成为权威，这个代价是值得的。如果你想保持这种焦虑，你必须让自己成为女性即使在承诺的约束下也会竞争的商品。