The Desire Dynamic

You cannot negotiate Desire. 你无法谈判欲望。

This is a very simple principle that most Men and the vast majority of women are willfully ignorant of. One the most common personal problems I’ve been asked advice for in the past 10 years is some variation of “how do I get her back?” Usually this breaks down into men seeking some methodology to return his relationship to an earlier state where a previously passionate woman couldn’t keep her hands off of him. Six months into a comfortable familiarity and the thrill is gone, but in truth it’s the genuine desire that is gone.

这是一个非常简单的原则，大多数男性以及绝大多数女性都故意忽视它。过去 10 年间，我被咨询最多的个人问题之一就是各种形式的“我如何才能让她回心转意？”通常，这涉及到男性寻求某种方法，希望将他们的关系恢复到之前的状态，那时一个曾经热情似火的女人对他爱不释手。然而，六个月舒适熟悉之后，激情已逝，实际上，是那份真挚的渴望已不复存在。

It’s often at this stage that a man will resort to negotiation. Sometimes this can be as subtle as him progressively doing things for her in the hopes that she’ll reciprocate with the same sexual fervor they used to have. Other times a married couple may go to marriage counseling to “resolve their sex issues” and negotiate terms for her sexual compliance. He’ll promise to do the dishes and a load of laundry more often in exchange for her feigned sexual interest in him. Yet, no matter what terms are offered, no matter how great an external effort he makes so deserving of reward, the genuine desire is not there for her. In fact, she feels worse for not having the desire after such efforts were made for her compliance.

在这个阶段，男人往往会诉诸谈判。有时，这可能微妙到他逐渐为她做些事情，希望她能以曾经同样的热情回应他的性需求。其他时候，一对已婚夫妇可能会寻求婚姻咨询，以“解决他们的性问题”，并就她的性服从进行谈判。他会承诺更频繁地洗碗和洗衣服，以换取她对他假装出的性兴趣。然而，无论提出什么条件，无论他为了得到回报而付出多么巨大的外在努力，她内心真正的欲望却并不存在。事实上，她在努力达成她的服从后，因为没有欲望而感到更加糟糕。

Negotiated desire only ever leads to obligated compliance. 协商的欲望只会导致被迫的顺从。

This is why her post-negotiation sexual response is often so lackluster and the source of even further frustration on his part. She may be more sexually available to him, but the half-hearted experience is never the same as when they first met when there was no negotiation, just spontaneous desire for each other.

这就是为什么她在谈判后的性反应往往如此乏味，甚至成为他进一步沮丧的源头。她可能对他更加性开放，但这种半心半意的体验永远无法与他们初次相遇时相提并论，那时无需谈判，只有彼此间自发的渴望。

From a male perspective, and particularly that of an uninitiated beta male, negotiation of desire seems a rational solution to the problem. Men tend to innately rely on deductive reasoning; otherwise known as an “if then” logic stream. The code is often something like this:

从男性视角，尤其是未入门的贝塔男性的角度来看，协商欲望似乎是解决问题的理性方案。男性往往天生依赖演绎推理；也就是所谓的“如果那么”逻辑流。这种逻辑常常是这样的：

I need sex + women have the sex I want + query women about their conditions for sex + meet prerequisites for sex = the sex I want. 我需要性 + 女性拥有我想要的性 + 询问女性关于性的条件 + 满足性的先决条件 = 我想要的性。

Makes sense right? It’s simple economics, but built on a foundation that relies on a woman’s accurate self-evaluations. The genuine desire they used to experience at the outset of their relationship was predicated upon a completely unknown set of variables. Overtly communicating a desire for reciprocal desire creates obligation, and sometimes even ultimatums. Genuine desire is something a person must come to – or be led to – on their own volition. You can force a woman by threat to comply with behaving in a desired manner, but you cannot make her want to behave that way. A prostitute will fuck you for an exchange, it doesn’t mean she wants to.

有道理吧？这是简单的经济学原理，但建立在女性准确自我评估的基础上。她们在关系初期所经历的真诚渴望，是基于一系列完全未知的变量。公开表达对互惠渴望的需求会带来义务，有时甚至是最后通牒。真正的渴望是个人必须自发达到或被引导达到的。你可以通过威胁迫使女性以期望的方式行事，但你无法让她真心想要那样做。一个妓女会为了交换而与你发生关系，这并不意味着她愿意。

Whether LTR or a one night stand (ONS) strive for genuine desire in your relationships. Half of the battle is knowing you want to be with a woman who wants to please you, not one who feels obligated to. You will never draw this genuine desire from her by overt means, but you can covertly lead her to this genuine desire. The trick in provoking real desire is in keeping her ignorant of your intent to provoke it. Real desire is created by her thinking it’s something she wants, not something she has to do.

无论是长期关系（LTR）还是一夜情（ONS），都应追求关系中的真诚欲望。战斗的一半在于明白你想要的是一个愿意取悦你的女人，而非感到有义务如此的女人。你无法通过直接手段从她那里唤起这种真诚欲望，但你可以间接引导她达到这种真诚欲望。激发真正欲望的诀窍在于让她对你的意图一无所知。真正的欲望是由她认为这是她想要的东西，而非她必须做的事情所创造的。