Rooting through garbage 翻垃圾

HELP! I fucked up big time and I want her back! How do I get her back?

救命！我搞砸了，我想让她回来！我怎么才能让她回来？

Easily one of the most common questions I’ve fielded at SoSuave over the past 7 years has been some variation of “how do I get her back?” It’s common for a reason; at some stage of life every guy believes that rejection is worse than regret. Lord knows I tried to recover an old lover or two in my own past. Whether due to infidelity on her part, your own or a regression back beta after initiating an LTR, there is one Iron Rule you should always refer back to:

在 SoSuave 过去的 7 年里，我被问到的一个最常见的问题就是“我怎么才能让她回来？”这个问题很常见是有原因的；在生活的某个阶段，每个男人都认为拒绝比后悔更糟糕。天知道我在过去也曾试图挽回过一两个旧情人。无论是因为她的不忠、你的不忠，还是因为在开始一段长期关系后退回到贝塔状态，你都应该始终记住一条铁律：

Iron Rule of Tomassi #7 托马西的铁律 #7

It is always time and effort better spent developing new, fresh, prospective women than it will ever be in attempting to reconstruct a failed relationship. Never root through the trash once the garbage has been dragged to the curb. You get messy, your neighbors see you do it, and what you thought was worth digging for is never as valuable as you thought it was.

与其试图重建一段失败的关系，不如把时间和精力花在开发新的、新鲜的、有前途的女性身上。一旦垃圾被拖到路边，就永远不要再翻垃圾。你会弄得一团糟，你的邻居会看到你这样做，而你认为值得挖掘的东西永远不如你想象的那么有价值。

Even if you could go back to where you were, any relationship you might have with an ex will be colored by all of the issues that led up to the breakup. In other words, you know what the end result of those issues has been. It will always be the 800 pound. gorilla in the room in any future relationship. As I elaborated in the Desire Dynamic, healthy relationships are founded on genuine mutual desire, not a list of negotiated terms and obligations, and this is, by definition, exactly what any post-breakup relationship necessitates. You or she may promise to never do something again, you may promise to “rebuild the trust”, you may promise to be someone else, but you cannot promise to accept that the issues leading up to the breakup don’t have the potential to dissolve it again. The doubt is there. You may be married for 30 years, but there will always be that one time when you two broke up, or she fucked that other guy, and everything you think you’ve built with her over the years will always be compromised by that doubt of her desire.

即使你能回到过去，你与前任的任何关系都会被导致分手的所有问题所影响。换句话说，你知道这些问题的最终结果。它将永远是未来任何关系中的 800 磅大猩猩。正如我在《欲望动力》中详细阐述的那样，健康的关系建立在真正的相互欲望之上，而不是一系列协商的条款和义务，而这正是任何分手后关系所必需的。你或她可能会承诺不再做某事，你可能会承诺“重建信任”，你可能会承诺成为另一个人，但你不能承诺接受导致分手的问题不会再次导致分手。怀疑就在那里。你可能已经结婚 30 年了，但总会有那么一次你们分手了，或者她和其他男人上床了，你认为你们多年来建立的一切都会因为对她欲望的怀疑而受到影响。

You will never escape her impression that you were so optionless you had to beg her to rekindle her intimacy with you.

你永远无法摆脱她对你的印象，即你如此没有选择，以至于不得不乞求她与你重燃亲密关系。